Swindon Underground Airport

It\’s not an airport and it ain\’t in Swindon!

My Sick Colleague

So, you phoned in sick this morning. Woop-de-do.

Oh, you’ve got the runs? Oh dear.

I really can’t see what the problem is. It’s 25 feet from your desk to the toilet and as you don’t do any fucking work when you’re here and just sit at your desk, it’s not a long walk is it?

Let’s do a quick analysis of your work for Monday and Tuesday:

  • You updated your CV. Twice.
  • You moaned about the heat.
  • You spent two hours looking at the BBC News website
  • You whinged about the amount of calls in the queue
  • You checked the internal jobs advertisments.
  • You whinged that you were ineligible to apply for any of them.
  • You fucked off at 1530 when you knew damned fine it was my privilege yesterday.
  • You phoned in sick this morning.
  • What a great start to your working week. Wanker.


    July 19, 2006 - Posted by | Rant, Sick, wanker, Work


    1. Yep. I’ve had to snarl and bear “collegues” like this one. As a high energy person they drove me absolutely nuts. The only way to make the time flow by quickly is to work through it, which is not to mention that working is what one is being paid to do.

      This is what I recall as my primary pet peeves about a fellow “worker” (and I do use that term loosely). II wrote them up in a howl list that I kept in my desk drawer until full moon each month, before I became a “work at home” person.

      1. Off to a good start?
      Oh yeah, sure. And how can your head be in the job when within 10 minutes of arriving you’re are on the phone calling your spouse, children and/or relatives discussing past events or future plans?

      2. Focused on the “now” moment?
      Well how can you be if you respond instantly to each and every incoming phone call and email? Your voice mail can pick up the calls and your emails will wait. Both will be there until you can get to them and work them through from beginning to end. But instead you choose to break your attention span, waste time in regaining your focus again, and to boot you insult whomever you were dealing with by putting them or their work “on hold”.

      3. Fair pay for hours worked?
      Not bloody likely. By my estimation you are highly overpaid because you always arrive early, take longer breaks, and extended lunches and then you leave late.

      4. Contributing to a healthy work environment?
      I should say, not. You spend hours every week complaining about your poor health, but you take no exercise and you avoid fresh air like it is the plague. You eat constantly at your desk while complaining about your excessive weight.
      You bitch about the job, the boss, the clients and the other workers. You bitch about your desk, your chair and the temperature. You poison my work environment.

      So okay this is just a few points. I had to quit because I could feel my blood pressure rising as I re-lived tha past.

      Is there anyway you can work at home and avoid being in contact with these wage parasites? I ask because being near them is bound to make you sick.

      Comment by timethief | July 19, 2006 | Reply

    2. It’s funny – Your points resemble this guy so closely it scares me.

      Unfortunately, due to the nature of the job (onsite IT Support) I can’t work from home, much as I’d love to.

      I am “in the market” for jobs, although strictly OUT of working hours!

      Comment by Jimbo | July 19, 2006 | Reply

    3. Your whimpy collegue sounds quite annoying. Jimbo, you look like you’re in the market for a “Real” Bastard… I can only aspire to become the Bastard Operator From Hell, but I never pass up the opportunity to share a little taste of what a Bastard really is…

      The below is clipped from cyberspace, and since I don’t have my knoggin tuned into the rules (yours or anyone elses) I will say that a search can be done for BOFH to find the complete works of a true Bastard:

      The Bastard Operator from Hell #1


      It’s backup day today so I’m pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it’s advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device – it’s so much more economical on my time as I don’t have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can’t be all bad can it? Of course not.

      A user rings

      “Do you know why the system is slow?” they ask

      “It’s probably something to do with…” I look up today’s excuse “.. clock speed”

      “Oh” (Not knowing what I’m talking about, they’re satisfied) “Do you know when it will be fixed?”

      “Fixed? There’s 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don’t be so selfish – logout now and give someone else a chance!”

      “But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print..”

      “SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy!” I hang up.

      You’d really think people would learn not to call..

      The phone rings. It’ll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a gruff voice


      “Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve got the wrong number”

      “YEAH? Well what’s your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost money? DO YOU? I’ve got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I’ve finished with you, YOU’LL OWE US money! WHAT’S YOUR NAME – AND DON’T LIE, WE’VE GOT CALLER ID!!”

      I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet – he’s obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the Dean’s office. I look up his username and find his department. I ring the Dean’s secretary.

      “Hello?” she answers


      “I think so…” she says


      “Um. Ok”


      I hear her scrabbling at the terminal…


      She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.

      Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn’t it?

      Another user rings.

      “I need more space” he says

      “Well, why not move to Texas?” I ask

      “No, on my account, stupid.”

      Stupid? Uh-Oh..

      “I’m terribly sorry” I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart in a Weekend Family Matine Feature “I didn’t quite catch that. What was it that you said?”

      I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it’s too late, he’s a goner and he knows it.

      “Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*”

      “Sure, hang on”

      I hear him gasp his relief even though he’d covered the mouthpeice.

      “There, you’ve got *plenty* of space now!”

      “How much have I got?” he simps

      Now this *REALLY* *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them extra space, they want to check it, then correct me if I don’t give them enough! They should be happy with what I give them *and that’s it*!

      Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

      “Well, let’s see, you have 4 Meg available”

      “Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!” he says, pleased with his bargaining power

      “No” I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; “4 Meg in total..”

      “Huh? I’d used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?”

      I say nothing. It’ll come to him.


      I kill me; I really do!

      Comment by bastarddriver | July 28, 2006 | Reply

    4. Ever since I found the Bastard from Hell files, my life as a sysadmin has greatly improved. You will never imagine how many times I have found it handy to know a few lines so that you will make sure the “l-user” never bothers you again unless it’s a matter of life or death.

      Anyway, I’m starting a new blog located named “The life of the normal IT people” where I will post some of my learnings or things that happend to me. Maybe you will drop by. Who knows , you might find something interesting there.


      Comment by MuZumbu | March 4, 2007 | Reply

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